January 2017

Are we moving?

We might(!!) be moving to a house. I am so beyond excited. We are cramped in a 2 bedroom apartment where we get to smell marijuana everyday, I have to go up and down 3 flights of stairs and while that doesn’t sound like a lot when you have two kids in tow it gets ridiculously exhausting. (I am usually carrying 1 sometimes 2, 25+lb kids)

This is a 4 bedroom house with 2 bathrooms and a huge yard for the kids to play. I am beyond excited for this opportunity. The landlords seem so nice and the stories they have told about previous tenants is out of this world, we would definitely be the most normal people that have rented this house. They have such a big heart for doing what they have done for those families.

As for the moving process, we don’t have a lot of stuff (we live in a two bedroom apartment) which is fine with me. I am on a journey to minimalism so this opportunity will allow me to go through 90% of our belongings and really go through and decide what we want to keep and what we want to get rid of.

UPDATE:

We got the house!

I have been so excited that I wasn’t able to finish\upload my blog. The landlord took a couple days to get back to us but we got the official “you got it” message. We are almost completely packed, (Over the weekend we packed about 80% or more of our stuff) we are moving saturday (January 28th 2017) so the rest of the week will be left for packing the rest of our belongings (mostly kitchen and food stuff). The kids have been handling everything in great strides, they aren’t used to chaos. We took them to McDonalds yesterday for lunch which we NEVER do. Our 2 year old has had Mcdonalds about 4 times with us.

My partner and I are both extremely excited for this opportunity for our family, It’s a new chapter in our and our children’s lives.

 

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January 2017

Bad parent?

For the last few days I have been writijg and rewriting and getting rid of posts that I feel are too whiny. I feel that I should have something to contribute to the online community. Something new, something original but the reality is I am not original.

So instead of worrying what type of blog I want to be I am just going to create content that I can write naturally. I want my posts to be authentic, I can not sit down and write something pretending I am interested in it. I can not sit down and write a post about something I have to research a lot for at the moment. I am a mom that is struggling with identity and raising her children and that is what I am going to write about. Most of my posts are not going to have solutions, they are going to be my thoughts and frustrations.

I am a stay at home mom. I have 2 kids, a 2 year old and a 10 month old. I don’t have friends, I don’t go out to *mommy and me* things, I don’t go out and do activities with the kids and I hate it. I feel like I am stuck, I feel like I’m alone.

I am not the mother I thought/want to be. I am impatient, I am angry, I yell way too much, we watch way too much TV and don’t go outside enough (read: ever) I love my kids so much and I know that how I am parenting is not right for our family… I don’t know how to get out of this rut. I know that I am happier when I am able to get out and interact with people. I know that I am happier when I am out doing things but I have this anxiety about taking that first step (showing up at an event/playgroup) I just can’t get over. Everytime I do get enough courage to do it I have a great time and my children have a great time.

Shouldn’t that be enough motivation?

Shouldn’t I be able to overcome these feelings because my children need me to?

Shouldn’t my love for my children be more than my anxiety?

Does this mean I don’t love my children enough?

Sometimes I feel like a failure.

I have started reading this book “your erroneous zones” and it basically talks about how you are in control of you. In control of your thoughts, feelings, moods everything. We think our emotions and self worth are enfluenced by other people because we have been taught just that, but in reality it is just us. We are in control. I am looking forward to finishing it and learning all I can from it as that is something I struggle with a lot, I always let *others* control what I am feeling. I am terrified of being embarrassed and judged for the way I parent, for the way I look, for the way I talk, for my point of view. I want to learn to control those thoughts and feelings so I can be a better mom, a better partner, a better person for society and a better person for myself because I matter. YOU matter.

January 2017

Hello 2017! 

Welcome 2017! And goodbye to 2016.

2016 has been one of the most challenging and rewarding years yet.

It has been a year since my grandfather died, it has been almost 2 years since I left my husband which means almost 2 years of constant battling custody/visitation and it has been exhausting to say the least.

2016 was also the year my second baby was born, it’s the year my family went from 3 to 4. It’s the year my 1 year old turned 2. It’s the year my relationship with my partner has struggled and has grown. Nothing could have prepared me for how much my life changed for the better when we got together. He has stayed by my side through depression, he has taken my daughter as his own. Seeing them interact with each other makes everything slip away, nothing is more important than my family.
But on that note, going through all the hardships of 2016 has left me drained and I have not been my best, I am overweight, I struggle with anxiety, I am impatient with my partner and my kids and I hate it. I am not perfect and I hate the person I have become. I question my ability to parent effectively. I question my ability to provide for my children, I complain too much and don’t spend enough one on one time with my family.My goal for 2017 is to take care of myself.  To do what I need to do to be a better me physically, mentally, emotionally. My children mean the world to me and they deserve a mother that is competent. They deserve a mother that loves herself so that they can love themselves.
I will be making another blog post detailing my goals and how I am going to go about achieving them.
I am excited and terrified about where 2017 will take me. Am I strong enough to handle what the world has in store for me? Will I be able to show my children that I love them unconditionally? Will I be able to show my partner how much they mean to me? Will I be able to love myself unconditionally? Will I be able to break down my own barriers and see myself for who I truly am?