April 2017

Am I a bad mother? 

A few days ago I was really struggling with motherhood and people’s opinions of how I parent. I ended up writing about it (was supposed to be an email to somebody but I never sent it), I figured that someone might find it helpful to them. So here it is.
I’m so tired.. exhausted. 

I’m sorry I’m not a good house cleaner

I’m sorry I’m not a good mother

I’m sorry I’m not a good girlfriend

I try… I have 2 sensitive kids 24/7 and I’m exhausted. I have 1 and sometimes 2 kids on me, crying at me, screaming at me all day. I do dishes and they scream/cry at me, I sweep and they cry at me or throw my diet around, I go do laundry and they scream, cry, yell, bug each other, am I a bad mother because I am not forceful with them? Am I a bad mother because I want them to know that they are allowed to need me because they are human and they are growing and they are developmentally unable to cope well? Am I a bad mother because I don’t exactly know what to do or say to them when they are struggling with me, struggling with listening to me, struggling with their emotions? Am I a bad mother because I think it is okay and healthy for them to be able to say no and not do something? I am not more important than they are, I am not all controlling over them. Am I a bad mother because I believe that they have a choice? Am I a bad mother because I will try and gently and encourage instead of force them to do something? How would I feel, how do I feel when someone tries to force me to do something? They are less than 3 years old… They are little human beings that are desperately trying to figure out this world while going through development he’ll, their brain is rapidly changing every second of everyday… Who am I to make that more difficult? Who am I to say that their feelings are not valid? Who am I to try to “toughen” then up by not responding to their cries? To their needs? To their wants? I am their mother it is not my job to “toughen” them up, it is not my job to break them. It is my job to show unconditional LOVE! It is my job to show them that they are loved when they are happy, when they are sad, when they are angry, when they are screaming, when they are breaking down, when they are having a tantrum. It is my job as a parent to recognize that our children are not trying to manipulate us, our children are experimenting with the world. They do not have ill intentions. 

I am not perfect I’m going to make mistakes but I’m tired of you telling me not to listen to myself, not to go to them when they need me. I’m tired of second guessing myself because you may not like how I respond. 

April 2017


Today I heard Rylyn’s name. It’s the first time I have ever heard his name..

I was walking in Wal Mart with my boyfriend and two daughters, it’s been awhile since I have thought about Rylyn but all of a sudden there it was, plain as day. A mother calling out to her child, “Rylyn!”. It stopped me dead in my tracts and I stared off for a second, but with 2 cranky kids it’s hard to get lost in thought for too long. My mind has been wandering ever since. My little baby… The baby I never got to hold, the baby I didn’t want, the baby that was conceived by a horrendous act.. the baby that I so desperately would give anything to have back.. 

Many would say that Rylyn was not actually a baby because I was *only* 12/13 weeks pregnant, many would say that because at the time I didn’t want him that I didn’t deserve him but I loved him… It doesn’t matter that I was raped, it doesn’t matter that my family accused me of killing him… It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know how much I loved him until he was gone… I love him. Do I think about him every day? No… And it breaks my heart to realize that I don’t. It breaks my heart that this precious babies memory is surrounded by suffering and pain. I don’t even know if he was a boy… But somehow I always pictured him as a boy… He would have been almost 5… My beautiful baby, I don’t know what life would have been like if you had lived but I do know that I would have loved you with my entire being and you would know nothing but love.  

I love you Rylyn…