January 2017

Bad parent?

For the last few days I have been writijg and rewriting and getting rid of posts that I feel are too whiny. I feel that I should have something to contribute to the online community. Something new, something original but the reality is I am not original.

So instead of worrying what type of blog I want to be I am just going to create content that I can write naturally. I want my posts to be authentic, I can not sit down and write something pretending I am interested in it. I can not sit down and write a post about something I have to research a lot for at the moment. I am a mom that is struggling with identity and raising her children and that is what I am going to write about. Most of my posts are not going to have solutions, they are going to be my thoughts and frustrations.

I am a stay at home mom. I have 2 kids, a 2 year old and a 10 month old. I don’t have friends, I don’t go out to *mommy and me* things, I don’t go out and do activities with the kids and I hate it. I feel like I am stuck, I feel like I’m alone.

I am not the mother I thought/want to be. I am impatient, I am angry, I yell way too much, we watch way too much TV and don’t go outside enough (read: ever) I love my kids so much and I know that how I am parenting is not right for our family… I don’t know how to get out of this rut. I know that I am happier when I am able to get out and interact with people. I know that I am happier when I am out doing things but I have this anxiety about taking that first step (showing up at an event/playgroup) I just can’t get over. Everytime I do get enough courage to do it I have a great time and my children have a great time.

Shouldn’t that be enough motivation?

Shouldn’t I be able to overcome these feelings because my children need me to?

Shouldn’t my love for my children be more than my anxiety?

Does this mean I don’t love my children enough?

Sometimes I feel like a failure.

I have started reading this book “your erroneous zones” and it basically talks about how you are in control of you. In control of your thoughts, feelings, moods everything. We think our emotions and self worth are enfluenced by other people because we have been taught just that, but in reality it is just us. We are in control. I am looking forward to finishing it and learning all I can from it as that is something I struggle with a lot, I always let *others* control what I am feeling. I am terrified of being embarrassed and judged for the way I parent, for the way I look, for the way I talk, for my point of view. I want to learn to control those thoughts and feelings so I can be a better mom, a better partner, a better person for society and a better person for myself because I matter. YOU matter.

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