April 2017

Am I a bad mother? 

A few days ago I was really struggling with motherhood and people’s opinions of how I parent. I ended up writing about it (was supposed to be an email to somebody but I never sent it), I figured that someone might find it helpful to them. So here it is.
I’m so tired.. exhausted. 

I’m sorry I’m not a good house cleaner

I’m sorry I’m not a good mother

I’m sorry I’m not a good girlfriend

I try… I have 2 sensitive kids 24/7 and I’m exhausted. I have 1 and sometimes 2 kids on me, crying at me, screaming at me all day. I do dishes and they scream/cry at me, I sweep and they cry at me or throw my diet around, I go do laundry and they scream, cry, yell, bug each other, am I a bad mother because I am not forceful with them? Am I a bad mother because I want them to know that they are allowed to need me because they are human and they are growing and they are developmentally unable to cope well? Am I a bad mother because I don’t exactly know what to do or say to them when they are struggling with me, struggling with listening to me, struggling with their emotions? Am I a bad mother because I think it is okay and healthy for them to be able to say no and not do something? I am not more important than they are, I am not all controlling over them. Am I a bad mother because I believe that they have a choice? Am I a bad mother because I will try and gently and encourage instead of force them to do something? How would I feel, how do I feel when someone tries to force me to do something? They are less than 3 years old… They are little human beings that are desperately trying to figure out this world while going through development he’ll, their brain is rapidly changing every second of everyday… Who am I to make that more difficult? Who am I to say that their feelings are not valid? Who am I to try to “toughen” then up by not responding to their cries? To their needs? To their wants? I am their mother it is not my job to “toughen” them up, it is not my job to break them. It is my job to show unconditional LOVE! It is my job to show them that they are loved when they are happy, when they are sad, when they are angry, when they are screaming, when they are breaking down, when they are having a tantrum. It is my job as a parent to recognize that our children are not trying to manipulate us, our children are experimenting with the world. They do not have ill intentions. 

I am not perfect I’m going to make mistakes but I’m tired of you telling me not to listen to myself, not to go to them when they need me. I’m tired of second guessing myself because you may not like how I respond. 

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April 2017

Rylyn 

Today I heard Rylyn’s name. It’s the first time I have ever heard his name..

I was walking in Wal Mart with my boyfriend and two daughters, it’s been awhile since I have thought about Rylyn but all of a sudden there it was, plain as day. A mother calling out to her child, “Rylyn!”. It stopped me dead in my tracts and I stared off for a second, but with 2 cranky kids it’s hard to get lost in thought for too long. My mind has been wandering ever since. My little baby… The baby I never got to hold, the baby I didn’t want, the baby that was conceived by a horrendous act.. the baby that I so desperately would give anything to have back.. 

Many would say that Rylyn was not actually a baby because I was *only* 12/13 weeks pregnant, many would say that because at the time I didn’t want him that I didn’t deserve him but I loved him… It doesn’t matter that I was raped, it doesn’t matter that my family accused me of killing him… It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know how much I loved him until he was gone… I love him. Do I think about him every day? No… And it breaks my heart to realize that I don’t. It breaks my heart that this precious babies memory is surrounded by suffering and pain. I don’t even know if he was a boy… But somehow I always pictured him as a boy… He would have been almost 5… My beautiful baby, I don’t know what life would have been like if you had lived but I do know that I would have loved you with my entire being and you would know nothing but love.  

I love you Rylyn…

February 2017

First month in the new house.

The beginning of February my family and I moved into a house (rented) and since then there has been nothing but problems. Things weren’t fixed that should have been fixed, the water wasn’t working, appliances weren’t working, there was no oil in the tank. (we live in Canada.. it’s winter time.. we need oil lol) Slowly things started to get fixed or replaced. The water was fixed on the Monday and it woked for about a week, after that it is a complete nightmare. We went 2 weeks without water. We went days where the kids and I would spend 8 hours (waiting for W to get off of work) walking around the mall, driving, eating out, etc. so that we could shower at W’s work. After a lot of drama and confusion and feelings of helplessness and anger we finally figured out the problem with the water. The well had to be dug up, the plumber had to pull the well up multiple times and FINALLY we had working water! Although it was extremely muddy, we spent hours running the water so we could get rid of the muddy water. It was fantastic. 

We went to bed Sunday night with the water working and Monday we did a few things with the water (flushing, running the kitchen sink) W had a shower and then we noticed… The. Water.stopped.working. It was dvestating. There were so many times that we were ready to move out of here and just forget the whole thing… Long story short the pipes froze outside. The well is being buried today so hopefully we have no more problems now. 
If we do I’m done. So done. 

January 2017

Are we moving?

We might(!!) be moving to a house. I am so beyond excited. We are cramped in a 2 bedroom apartment where we get to smell marijuana everyday, I have to go up and down 3 flights of stairs and while that doesn’t sound like a lot when you have two kids in tow it gets ridiculously exhausting. (I am usually carrying 1 sometimes 2, 25+lb kids)

This is a 4 bedroom house with 2 bathrooms and a huge yard for the kids to play. I am beyond excited for this opportunity. The landlords seem so nice and the stories they have told about previous tenants is out of this world, we would definitely be the most normal people that have rented this house. They have such a big heart for doing what they have done for those families.

As for the moving process, we don’t have a lot of stuff (we live in a two bedroom apartment) which is fine with me. I am on a journey to minimalism so this opportunity will allow me to go through 90% of our belongings and really go through and decide what we want to keep and what we want to get rid of.

UPDATE:

We got the house!

I have been so excited that I wasn’t able to finish\upload my blog. The landlord took a couple days to get back to us but we got the official “you got it” message. We are almost completely packed, (Over the weekend we packed about 80% or more of our stuff) we are moving saturday (January 28th 2017) so the rest of the week will be left for packing the rest of our belongings (mostly kitchen and food stuff). The kids have been handling everything in great strides, they aren’t used to chaos. We took them to McDonalds yesterday for lunch which we NEVER do. Our 2 year old has had Mcdonalds about 4 times with us.

My partner and I are both extremely excited for this opportunity for our family, It’s a new chapter in our and our children’s lives.

 

January 2017

Bad parent?

For the last few days I have been writijg and rewriting and getting rid of posts that I feel are too whiny. I feel that I should have something to contribute to the online community. Something new, something original but the reality is I am not original.

So instead of worrying what type of blog I want to be I am just going to create content that I can write naturally. I want my posts to be authentic, I can not sit down and write something pretending I am interested in it. I can not sit down and write a post about something I have to research a lot for at the moment. I am a mom that is struggling with identity and raising her children and that is what I am going to write about. Most of my posts are not going to have solutions, they are going to be my thoughts and frustrations.

I am a stay at home mom. I have 2 kids, a 2 year old and a 10 month old. I don’t have friends, I don’t go out to *mommy and me* things, I don’t go out and do activities with the kids and I hate it. I feel like I am stuck, I feel like I’m alone.

I am not the mother I thought/want to be. I am impatient, I am angry, I yell way too much, we watch way too much TV and don’t go outside enough (read: ever) I love my kids so much and I know that how I am parenting is not right for our family… I don’t know how to get out of this rut. I know that I am happier when I am able to get out and interact with people. I know that I am happier when I am out doing things but I have this anxiety about taking that first step (showing up at an event/playgroup) I just can’t get over. Everytime I do get enough courage to do it I have a great time and my children have a great time.

Shouldn’t that be enough motivation?

Shouldn’t I be able to overcome these feelings because my children need me to?

Shouldn’t my love for my children be more than my anxiety?

Does this mean I don’t love my children enough?

Sometimes I feel like a failure.

I have started reading this book “your erroneous zones” and it basically talks about how you are in control of you. In control of your thoughts, feelings, moods everything. We think our emotions and self worth are enfluenced by other people because we have been taught just that, but in reality it is just us. We are in control. I am looking forward to finishing it and learning all I can from it as that is something I struggle with a lot, I always let *others* control what I am feeling. I am terrified of being embarrassed and judged for the way I parent, for the way I look, for the way I talk, for my point of view. I want to learn to control those thoughts and feelings so I can be a better mom, a better partner, a better person for society and a better person for myself because I matter. YOU matter.

January 2017

Hello 2017! 

Welcome 2017! And goodbye to 2016.

2016 has been one of the most challenging and rewarding years yet.

It has been a year since my grandfather died, it has been almost 2 years since I left my husband which means almost 2 years of constant battling custody/visitation and it has been exhausting to say the least.

2016 was also the year my second baby was born, it’s the year my family went from 3 to 4. It’s the year my 1 year old turned 2. It’s the year my relationship with my partner has struggled and has grown. Nothing could have prepared me for how much my life changed for the better when we got together. He has stayed by my side through depression, he has taken my daughter as his own. Seeing them interact with each other makes everything slip away, nothing is more important than my family.
But on that note, going through all the hardships of 2016 has left me drained and I have not been my best, I am overweight, I struggle with anxiety, I am impatient with my partner and my kids and I hate it. I am not perfect and I hate the person I have become. I question my ability to parent effectively. I question my ability to provide for my children, I complain too much and don’t spend enough one on one time with my family.My goal for 2017 is to take care of myself.  To do what I need to do to be a better me physically, mentally, emotionally. My children mean the world to me and they deserve a mother that is competent. They deserve a mother that loves herself so that they can love themselves.
I will be making another blog post detailing my goals and how I am going to go about achieving them.
I am excited and terrified about where 2017 will take me. Am I strong enough to handle what the world has in store for me? Will I be able to show my children that I love them unconditionally? Will I be able to show my partner how much they mean to me? Will I be able to love myself unconditionally? Will I be able to break down my own barriers and see myself for who I truly am?

Family

So much has changed!

Life has been crazy.

I am now 16 weeks pregnant and so many things have changed. My morning sickness has mostly gone away, when I don’t eat enough during the day or I stay up too late I will end up vomitting. But I am okay with that, as long as it’s not 24\7.   (17 weeks on October 2nd) I am starting to look pregnant I think, although I wasn’t the skinniest before I got pregnant as I had a lot of baby weight still left from my first child, Azura. I have felt the baby move a few times the last 2-3 weeks which is really exciting. Movements is one of the few things I am looking forward to.

My grandfather recently passed away on Setpember 20th, 2015. That was a hard day. I was very close with him, but now he is in a better place. He was suffering with cancer for the last 10 years and near the end he just wanted it to be over. He didn’t want to suffer anymore. He spent the last 14 days of his life in the hospital. I try not to think about it much. I feel as though it hasn’t sunk in completely yet. Every once in a while I’ll just say “My grandfather is dead” and I’m just in disbelief.

Azura will be 10 months old in 5 days. I am so shocked that it has been that long. So much has happened in that time. Azura is sitting up, she is crawling all over the place, She pulls herself up on furniture and everything and anything. She is almost walking! I would imagine that she will be walking within the next couple of weeks. She has started letting go of things and just standing there for a second, then squats down and sits. Halloween is coming up and I have no idea what she is going to be. My boyfriends mother has given us a couple of costumes. (A cat and a pumpkin which are very cute) But we will see what she ends up going as!

I am so thankful for my little growing family. They have helped me through so much and I just hope that I help them as much as they help me.

Life is precious.